File:Bohemian Grove Ritual.jpg

The Cremation of Care is a theatrical production held every year by members of the Bohemian Club at the Bohemian Grove in California. According to idiots like Alex Jones and The Vigilant Christian, it is an evil Illuminati ritual where children are sacrificed and Satan is worshiped by the Global Elite. According to anyone who isn’t mentally retarded, it’s an annual play where men get drunk, do shitty Elvis impersonations, and have gay sex with each other.


At the start of Episode 148 and the middle of Episode 150 the Vigilant Christian mentioned that the ceremony was held every year by a Luciferian cult where the Bohemian Club performs a satanic ritual in front of stone owl representing the god Moloch. Children are thrown inside the statue and consumed in flames. This is supposed to represent the New World Order destroying their “care” for other people and focusing all their love on Satan and brining about the Anti-Christ. Basically, according to Mario this is the most awesome thing in the universe.
File:Bohemian Grove (Human Sacrifice) caught on tape

Alex Jones

In July 2000, Alex Jones and some camera guy nobody cares about snuck into the Bohemian Grove hoping to get footage of the Illuminati sacrificing children in front of the owl statue and bathing in their blood. What they wound up recording was basically what you’ll see at just about any college frat party: a bunch of dudes getting drunk and having buttsex while burning an effigy that Alex claims might be- definitely is a real human body. See? You can clearly see it in the blurry shaky far away footage; definite proof!

In Reality

If you actually do what Mario tells you and do basic research, the first thing you will find out is that the ceremony dates back to the late 1800’s when the word care didn’t mean what it means today. Back then it had a negative connotation and meant something more like “worries or problems” rather than the modern meaning of “compassion or empathy.” To absolutely no one’s surprise, Mario barely understands basic English. Most likely because he is a french former speed junkie that has obvious brain damage from watching too much Fireball Z.

The stone owl is also way less cool than Mario and Alex Jones would have you believe. It’s really just full of wires and speakers so that Walter Cronkite’s gay voice can come out of it. It’s also covered in moss and crap because the Bohemian Club doesn’t give a rat's ass about it 99% of the year.  This makes the stone owl the equivalent of the half inflated Satan from the Spinal Tap episode of the Simpsons.

The Bohemian Club is also super fucking lame. Basically they’re a club of faggots who put on one stupid show every year that most of them are too drunk or horny to give two shits about. Outside of having important people from politics and business the club is basically a super shitty, albeit super rich, version of a summer stock play. The only person who would enjoy the real Cremation of Care is probably TJ, and only because buttsex is involved

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.