Paul's Ego, (real name, Paul Parkey) is the Drunken Peasants pet bitch boy and manatee enthusiast. As a host, he wasn't talented enough to actually earn a spot on the show, forcing him to buy his way onto the show with sexual favors for TJ Kirk. If he was famous for anything on the show it's being fatter than TJ.
"I'm trying to change the world by complaining. And passing out hugs. Sometimes words matter as much as actions. "
―Paul's EgoPaul's Ego, or Fat bastard, is an obese, homeless piece of human garbage. He is a shorter and fatter TJ, as well as a good friend of the podcast. He has made several guest appearances since the early history of the podcast until he finally became a DP co-host on Episode 151 of the podcast.
Paul Parkey is well known for his own self-deprecation (there's plenty of material for that), unenthusiastic resignation to pessimism, and having one eye higher on his face than the other. Paul is known to be one of the ugliest man in the known universe. They say that if you see his face in real life, you get turned into dog shit. Paul then eats the dog shit. Paul is a fan of RPG games like Mass Effect. He frequently does live hangouts on his YouTube channel and live streams on Twitch. Paul works at a job which he hates. Despite frequent live hangouts, he very rarely ever uploads videos. By frequent admission of TJ, Paul is very well spoken and articulate in the videos he actually has uploaded. The peasants have many times expressed a desire to see Paul return to YouTube. When asked about starting his own podcast, Paul replied that there is no point since he is already a regular co-host of the greatest podcast known to humanity.
At 8 years of age, he was abducted by aliens, and at six he had his friend shove a screwdriver up his ass. Paul was a member of a band called Apple Nasty during his youth. Their songs were mostly about the obscene, and was sang in a style comparable to that of a prepubescent Sex Twister. His songs have been featured on the Drunken Peasants before, proving that Paul was fucking hilarious even in his youth.
At the age of 15, he participated in a vampire LARP event taking place at some big-ass mansion. One year later, at the same mansion, he joined a party that was suspiciously full of friendly people, the party quickly turned into a BDSM orgy.
Paul sexually and physically abused his little sister with a hamburger one night after being fired from his job at Blockbuster for secretly putting in midget banana porn in the DVD cases.
At the age of 20, Paul grew a big fucking cyst on his butt cheeks (this was revealed on Drunken Peasants Episode 154). The cyst felt like a second asshole, according to Paul. The cyst eventually erupted, covering his entire house with shit, blood, pus, and other disgusting bodily fluids. Paul was out of commission for several months. The story was so disgusting that the Drunken Peasants were so horrified, they had to end the show.
On Drunken Peasants
"I have a question about the fan art: why does everyone make me look like a motherfucking bull frog?" ― Paul's response to the "Ugly Paul" art contest.
Paul has appeared many times on the Drunken Peasants Podcast as a fan-favorite recurring guest, notably in the Religion Debates against Brett Keane's posse. Paul was subsequently announced to be a co-host on Friday shows, starting with Episode 151. The Live Chat and the fans of the show were overwhelmed by this announcement. Although, Paul is an atheist who shares similar philosophies and political ideologies with TJ, they've had a few conflicts in the past. He was considered to be the best candidate for the 4th permanent member of the Drunken Peasants for a long time (which he would later become) as he scored number one as the fans' favorite guest on official DP polls.
He played a particularly large role in the Brett Keane saga and is usually present whenever the Drunken Peasants engaged in any activities related to Brett Keane. Paul once tried to rape the Vigilant Christian by asking him questions in an attempt to disprove and attack the Vigilant Christian's personal worldview.
Paul and Jim Ass are sworn enemies. Paul talked shit about Jim Ass and said that he came across as "loud and abusive". Jim was greatly offended (which is the worst thing you can do) and in turn started talking shit about Paul. Paul and Jim then had an epic battle filled with blood and guts. Paul attacked Jim with his planet-busting jowls. Jim drank too much and threw up on Paul. Being that Paul's power comes from being the fattest man in universe, it had minimal effect. The battle lasted for several minutes and ended with the two getting high on pan.
- "That chick that was ranting and raving, about what the fuck ever she was ranting and raving about. Did you straight up say she had a horse face?" - Paul amused at TJ making fun of Jenny McDermott.
- "I would knock the bottom out of Gail, dude." - Paul tries to fuck Gail.
- "Dude, I would defile a gail sex robot; you don't wanna know what I would do. I would cover it in hypoallergenic honey, like organic honey, and let fire ants eat it and fuck it while the fire ants were biting it." - Springtime for Paul
- "Gee, I've never been a nígga before!" - Paul after receiving his black card from Tim Black.
- "It never ends with Brett. He's the perpetual, endless fucking victim. I don't know how you could ever not love this guy. He is so unaware of his own fucking absurdity. The existence of him is a fucking standing refutation to humanity's worth."- Paul talking about Brett Keane.
- Ben hosted a "Draw Ugly Paul's Ego" contest as one of the first DP art competitions.
- Paul and TJ were once hostile to each other, but TJ bribed Paul and they became friends.
- He is extremely fat and weighs more than TJ (Yes, it is possible to be fatter than TJ)
- Paul is looking forward to Ben's death, according to the Episode 100 pre-show.
- Rumor has it that he ate the banana that TJ stuck up his ass.
- On Episode 143, it is revealed that Paul can rap pretty well for a white guy.
Paul has an irrational hatred of Native Americans. He claims they are níggers that never took a trip on a boat. Every person who has every been on the show, whether guest or panelist, has agreed with this statement. Scotty has even taken this a step further, citing the fact that Native Americans were not eradicated by European settlers as one of the greatest failures of organized religion.
- Paul loves putting lobsters on his nipples.
- Paul has a highly infectious disease called, "Swamp Taint"
- Paul is religiously devoted to calling pancakes 'flapjacks'.[Further explanation needed]
- Not even Commander Shepherd of Mass Effect wants to fuck him.
- He's a direct supporter of the DP Wiki.
- He and The Vigilant Christian are sworn enemies.
- He once believed in Scientology.[Citation needed]
- Paul is so fat that he is considered a four dimensional object. As such, the true nature of his fatness cannot be comprehended at this point in scientific knowledge.
- Paul comes from an Irish background.
- Paul grew up with five sisters.
- Paul has a torpedo dick, but he is so fat that his gut covers it and makes it look small.
- Paul got raped by a Xenomorph once.
- Monkey King Bambina forces Paul to lick his balls every night.[Citation needed]
- Paul is a certified Brett Keane historian.
- Paul is the second coming of Jesus Christ, and often assists our hero, Gail Chord Schuler in stopping millions of Jesuit rapists every day via Skype.
- Being on the Drunken Peasants has helped Paul overcome his depression. He further states that no matter what happens with him and the peasants from that point forward, he will always be grateful for that.
- Paul smokes pan almost everyday, but will sometimes take a tolerance break.
- Paul currently resides in the conservative shithole of Fresno, California.
Paul is possibly responsible for the murder of a trucker's wife.[Citation needed]
- TJ threatened to fist Paul's asshole with goat cheese during Episode 198.[Citation needed]
- Paul is into clopping, aka slapping two horse hooves against his cock. This was finally exposed in Episode 216.[Citation needed]
- Paul is horrible at playing fighting games like Mortal Kombat, despite all the bragging he does about performing backwards hadokens; he is also a sore loser who rage quits.
- Despite ragging on anime fans for jacking off to their waifus, he has an infatuation with Velma Dinkley from Scooby-Doo.
- Paul contains more salt than all of the world’s oceans.