Matinées (not to be confused with the Matinée) are large aquatic mammals found in the lakes of Missouri. They are known for their lazy temperament and low intelligence.



Matinées are omnivorous garbage vacuums that will eat anything around them. They especially like to eat mac and cheese.


Matinées spend most of their time in bed sleeping, eating, shitting, and making YouTube videos no one watches. Matinées are also agoraphobic and rarely go out in public places with crowds.

Endangered Species Status

Human pollution and habitat loss have had a terrible impact on wild matinées. It also doesn't help that every matinée is a water headed idiot that often swims too close to boat propellers and gets chopped up. On top of that, indigenous matinées are a popular food source among local residents, dwindling their numbers even further. With all these threats to the matinée population, they are projected to go extinct within our lifetime.

Anatomy And Sex Life

Matinées rarely engage in sexual activities for pleasure, as to do so would require them to get out of bed and move. Another factor is their penis size, which even on a warm day only measures about 3 inches. When not in use, it retracts all the way inside their body and is used as a central processing unit, so that it can keep track of all the current situations in their shitty life.

It is speculated that Matinées may have more than one stomach, but scientists have been unable to find out, as they lack the funding to drill through the countless layers of fat and cheese deposits. But recently, thanks to modern day science, a brave team of marine biologists were able to dig their way into a Matinée that had washed up on a beach situation after overdosing on mac and cheese. What they found was 4 separate stomachs, all linked together to enable it to stay in bed for months at a time. They also found a large organ at the bottom of its body, which was later named the french vanilla gland. Unfortunately, the team of biologists were unable to make it out of the Matinée's carcass and ended up drowning in french vanilla situation. We thank these particular individuals for their colossal contribution to the scientific situation.


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